Valentine's day

I totally forgot what day it is. This is only a problem in that I made a phone call I would not have made if I knew what day it was. I keep forgetting that if you talk to a woman on this day then your motives are automatically suspect. Oh well. The phone call was a follow up to my last post.

Well today is a day for all you coupled people. Enjoy it. Mean, I am watching TV and will maybe do some homework. I have a great day planned. Cheers all you happy people

A string of broken relationships.

I was listening to some music tonight and it hit me. That some of the relationships that were closest to me where just a long line of broken relationships. I saw that there is a lot of hurt with the people I wanted to be closest to and I have no clue how to respond to that. In high school I had to misfortune of being rejected at least once by every girl I asked out. Often the reject involved them laughing at me. Even from high school I can no longer talk to my ex. We are by no means on good terms. Which I think if funny in hindsight because she was so important to me at the time. It is an odd thing that someone so close can become so distant.

College was no better. I had friends fall in and out of relationship like it was a fad. I rarely keep in contact from anyone in college. I will call a few people every now and then but I realize that we are not close. They are not living life with me and I am not living life with them. I once spent a winter break IMing a fellow student. That was the high light of my day. Then one day she told me she was not looking for a relationship. And a week later she was dating someone else.

I moved more or less across the country and I hoped things would be different here. But there are still the relationships that hold no significance. Although there are people here I have actually connected to. I am able to live out my struggles with friends and those that would do something crazy for me. I realized today that I have some amazing friends that would do something crazy like drive me to LAX. But even here I struggle with those I want to be closest to me. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I wonder if God made me a little off on purpose or if He is spiting that on purpose. It is something I am struggling with. I desire to be known to something and to know them.

I had a friend tell me recently that my biggest obstacle is me. that is true. My stark terror at approaching someone is pretty laughable. If I am belligerent or angry I have no problem dealing with people. But actually approaching them leaves me self-conscience and insecure. This is where psychological problems and theology are slamming together for me. Because I see that God knows what is going down. I am a firm believer in Psalm 139. I think Psalm 139 sums up a lot of my cosmology right there. I guess I should have no problem then.

I am debating on whether to try to talk to some people and maybe fix a few of these broken relationships. I am wondering If I should and if God will be there trying fix them or if I will be inserting myself into God trying to teach someone something. I guess I am trying to figure out if I push my theology on relationships onto other people. I hesitate doing that because I think people who “know what is right” are generally complete morons and blind to the deficiencies of their views.

Broken relationships are no fun but I look back and see a string of them.

being nice

Am I a Christian? I have been asking some friends that question recently. Or another way of putting it is “if you did not know I was in seminary would you think I was a Christian?” That also begs the question of what it means to be a Christian. Now I decided not to define Christian because there is no real set definition. Some of the militias in Africa claim to be Christian. And to be honest when I get to heaven I may find out that people who used child soldiers are there too. So if I start declaring who is or is not a Christian then I start to limit God.

But I am still curious to know if others who know me well know that I am a Christian. So far the answer is yes. Yes my friends think I am a Christian. It is nice to know this but it does not mean I can just say I am done. I still need to conform my mind to a better way of thinking. I am seeing that there are a lot of opportunities to be a totally jerk but I actually chose to be nice. Now I think that is informed by my faith. Because I know I can get a much more interesting reaction if I am a jerk.

I also suggest being nice does not get one anything. That even then I find my reaction is to be nice to people it does not earn me friends, accolades or an easier time at anything. Being nice tends to end up being null. I haven’t made any enemies but I did not make any friends either.

But I do not think it is just a matter of being nice but I saying that being a Christian has encouraged me to being nice. I think it is part of learning to love people and such. Now love is the most important thing we get from the Bible. First we have to love God and then we are to love our neighbors and ourselves. It does not matter what I learn in seminary if I do not get the love part down. So I think I am on the right road as a Christian, but I do not think being nice is the lynch pin of that.

star gazing is dangerous

I have come to realize a couple of things. I expect Christians to live up to the Bible. Now I understand that people read and interpret the Bible in different ways. I have no problem with this. I expect then that people live what they interpret the Bible to mean. The goal is still to live out what they think the Bible is saying. For me I read love out of the Bible. I read Grace out of the Bible. I expect that Love is to be central to a Christian. Paul writes in Corinthians that he could speak in the tongues of men and angels but without love it is meaningless. So love is incredibly important. Jesus threw love at people before condemnation.

Now I was star gazing over the weekend. I was going from Orion’s belt to Sirius. Then up to Procyon. I could more or less see the major constellations but not much else. It got me thinking. I started to realize that there is too much beauty in the universe not to live without following my ideology. I needed to take risks and do things that could end up hurting me because of love. If God can create some kickass stars and let me enjoy them, then I can seek reconciliation.

the Thursday before this a I was talking to a friend about how I could not understand why I was rejected so easily and with such finality. I had given lip service to considering the other side but really I feel onto my side because that was the side I saw most clearly. Now my friend said something I had thought before but I decide to pay more attention to it because obviously my position was going nowhere. He advised me to ask if I had hurt someone. And I figured heck I cannot be ignored any more then I already am so I may as well ask them if I hurt them.

I want to hear if I hurt someone. I want them to tell me to my face that I hurt them. My honor demands nothing less than addressing when I hurt someone. It too this experience and being in California for me to realize what my honor is. My honor is the good I like about me. that I do not oppress people knowingly. That I do not manipulate people for enjoyment. Certain situations demand certain actions and I have no other option. But a lot of people think Americans have no concept of honor. I read in a book about how other cultures have a monopoly have on honor but not the West. But I see now coming from a fairly blue-collar background that honor is so ingrained in me I would have to throw a lot away to abandon it. My honor leads me to live for God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

The point is that I took a risk. I am trying to ask if I hurt someone and I want to hear them tell me how if I did. I trust God to empower me to deal with it as a Christian, with love and grace and seeking forgiveness. I want to live like I read the Bible and follow it. I want to live with Christians who do the same. It will be interesting to see how it works out.
End communication.

New Year

It has been some crazy times. Being home over winter break was weird. When I got home a lot of people called me and wanted to hang out and such. It was so weird to me. I am not used to people calling me and wanting to hang out. It is the definition of popular for me. Normally people do not call me but instead I normally am the one to call others.

There was also this weird feeling being home. Like I know my parents still love me, but I did not feel the same about their house that I did back in the day. When I got back to school and into my apartment I felt this sense of home. I told this to someone and they mentioned that individuation must have settled in. And I kinda think that must be true. That my place in cali has become home. When I was driving back through the city it had a familiar beauty to it. I never thought I would feel that way about cali.

I am getting my feet back under me right now. Getting back into the swing of school and all the responsibility that brings. I am looking forward to this semester. It should be good and interesting. Weeeee.

I am still dealing with being wrecked last semester. In IL it did not seem so important, but now I am terrified of running into things that remind me of her. Because I do not want to deal with that pain. I feel like I am walking around in an emotional minefield that could go at any moment. That I may run into her and feel all the old crap again. I hate feeling shy and insecure. I hate feeling unworthy and alone. I want to feel apart. That I matter. I have good friends here and I think I would absolutely ruined without them. I guess it is about learning and healing. I wonder if I will ever end up in a healthy relationship. I would like to just be friends with a woman the same way I am friends with everyone. That may sound weird but I do not want to play social games. I do not want to be coy. I want to hang with people who are interesting and teach me. I want to be crack my bad jokes and say my piece. I want my crap to be refuted and I want to be edified by my relationships. I make friends with guys who naturally do this but I find it is incredible rare for a woman to do it. I could be weird or it could be that subcultures I run with. I am just not sure. Well tonight I am going to take it easy

I got a headache. Not sure why, meh.

End communication

today

I woke up this morning with a familiar sensation. Hollow-bitterness. It is a feeling of being alone and empty. That really nothing and no one matters because I don’t matter. Since I do not matter the existence of the world is a mild effrontery to me. But since I don’t matter it is nothing to get terribly worked up about.

It does not mean that I shut down. I still get things done and work towards goals. There is not satisfaction or life in it. I am like a robot completing the task set before it because it does not know what else to do. I type and research and formulate papers because I have no answer. I do not have anything else to do.

The one glimmer of hope or joy is in other people. Talking to them. Sharing in what they are going through. But since I am alone those interactions are few and infrequent. The basis for this is that someone had just affirmed all my fears, and confirmed everything I hate about myself. She called me an illusion. That I did not trust, and was not really honest with her. If I think I am honest but I am not then what do I have? Am I not real? Am I another person? I was told I was not worth knowing. That it would take effort and I must not be worth that effort.

None of this is new. Actually she was repeating what a lot of people have told me over my life. Maybe I am bitter that I have to exist in a world I don’t fit. Maybe I am hollow because I have nothing inside. I often wonder how much of an impact I really have. I wonder if I were to disappear if anyone would really care. I know my family would. But I don’t know if anyone else would.

I would if anyone’s world would come crashing down. I know that would not happen. I know if I were to have a funeral a few people would be sad for a while but they would get by it relatively quickly. I think if I lost a close friend it would devastate me. I do not know how I would go on.

I see that as my weakness. I am too weak. I need to be stronger and not need anyone. If other people can move on without me then why do I have to be the one to need others? I just do not have an answer. I know God loves me, but he can love me anywhere. I am not sure why I have to be here. “Dying is the easy part, its life that is hard.”

dreams and journals

I have had two dreams. And I am not sure what they are trying to tell me. First I rarely dream. Secondly normally when I dream I completely controls those dreams. The exception is when my mind is trying to process through issues I am going through. Normally a fear is presented or a desire is addressed. But I am not sure what my brain is trying to process.

The first dream is mixes my college and high school. There was a relationship I knew of in college where the guy had a temper. Now in my dream I took a girl I knew in high school and put her in the relationship with the guy. Now I had noticed she had a black eye. And I instinctively knew that he had hit her. So my response was to be very angry and encourage her to get out of that relationship. I did not like her getting abused.

The next dream comes from that wonderful show gossip girl. I was one of the guys and I was torn between two of the female characters. Also there was another guy who wanted one of the girls. What is my mind trying to tell me?
I am not sure what my mind is trying to tell me.

Also I had a real trip last night reading my old journals. I have really not changed that much since High School. I am a little less superstitious but that is about it. I still have the same problems, fears, senses of inadequacy and sins. Weird huh. I also found a little journal that I had kept a bunch of thoughts in. I am going to start posting them in the quotes section of facebook.