ddss

This has been a really weird month for me. I guess God has exposed a huge blind spot to me. I have always had a strong internal locus of control. I have always thought that I could control what happens around me. Generally it was not an overt sense of control but when bad things happened to me I always found a way to blame myself. This experience is no different.

The weird thing is that with my family there is no way I can do what I normally do. I find it somewhat disturbing there is nothing I can do or even really blame. God has made it quite clear that he is in charge and I am just along for the ride. If God is not something to be trusted then this is a problem. But I am reminded that God can be trusted and everything good comes from Him.

I know this is affecting work. I am seeing how what I am going through spiritual is what I am talking about. I hope this is not a bad thing. Which may be another attempt to control what is happening around me. This is hard sorting everything out. I feel like everything around me is crumbling, and the simplest explanation is to question myself and my worth. I do not think there is any simple answer to what is going on.

The greatest comfort I have is that I know God will get me through this. I do not doubt that God will get me through life. I guess I am wrestling with my emotions and it may take a while.

nothing is better, but everything has changed

November always seems to be a terrible month for me. This year it is no different. For the past week I have felt that bad things keep happening to my family. Part of it is that I am learning about issues in my family now even though they have been happening for a while. Half of my extended family is sick and that is crazy to me. I have a small family so it is not like there are a lot of people to begin with. So now that half of them are ill I am not very happy. But what is hitting me is my powerlessness to do anything and I felt that God had failed me. God never promised me safety but I assumed God would take care of my family. I don’t really care what happens to me but I felt that God would at least keep them safe.
Maybe that is the next lesson I need to learn. That God is in control and we have no ‘deals.’ God does not barter or make deals with what people will or will not do. If I had a deal with God that would mean I really did not trust God. It would mean I would have some sort of legal recourse. Instead I have been forced to see that nothing is certain, but God is in control. There is nothing wrong with that. It has reminded me that I need to die to myself and live in Christ. I cannot stand apart from God and tell him how to take care of my family; I can just trust that everything I believe about God is true. And what I struggle with I hope I can say “Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief.”
I also saw that the God I had over my family was not the God I love. For a long time I was frightened to approach God. That If went to God I would only find silence or impotence. I had a god that was more in my image then God. God was patient with me. He even chased after me in this hard time. I have never had a problem with realistically identifying my problem but it is moving on when I know what the problem is that trips me up. I hit my turning point this Monday. Things are still terrible and overwhelming. But I am finding comfort in God. God is not powerless in the face of this problem.
I am not better, I am not happy, and I am not ok with anything. But I am turning to God. I finally used prayer to turn this entire situation over to God. I am finally at a point where I can approach God’s presence and let Him talk to me, not tell Him what to do.
Honestly I think a big part of that are my friends here. In college I learned that if you told anyone about your problems people freaked out. But here friends have gathered around me and let me know that I am cared for. One friend has repeatedly asked if there is anything they can do and my problem was I had no idea what to ask for. Knowing that people care has been great and helpful. I am thankful for people surrounding me and loving me.
As this week progresses I am going to try to get into God’s presence. I am going to seek Him and listen to what he has for me. I am going to open my heart to God because I do not feel I need to hide it anymore. It is wonderful to know when I am being silly God is still there, that I love a God that is ready when I am and does not abandon me because I am in pain. I do not think I have been making great choices lately, but I know that I am not abandoned. God is neato.

A New Thought on the Focus of God.

This last quarter I took early church history. One of the topics covered by this course is the monastic movement. I saw in the hermits and monks people that were afraid of their own humanity. They were afraid that if they saw a woman she would be a distraction. I see in my own fears of sin in their reactions. They became human and I can understand them. As I have noted many times before relationships have been hard for me. Both friendships and romantic relationships. A sharp thorn has been romantic relationships. In the hermits I see that same issue but their response was to run from it. To hide. And maybe that is the best way to deal with it. To get away completely and not worry about it. Because then a person is focused on God and not on the sin that gets them.

I read an article recently that said that the monks were removing themselves to focus on God. That is was not just their sin but it was the things that tempted them. The focus was about getting rid of ALL distractions. If a person got married then they would try to raise a family. In raising a family they would be focused on something other then God. This is another important issue. The monks were not hiding from sin. They were challenging the very things of this world that took them away from God.

I wondering if that is the mindset I should have for God. Those things that distract me from God should be ignored and instead I should focus on God. I was talking a friend recently and I pointed out I have unlimited possibilities. That I can do anything I want with my life. I can move any where and take any job. As long as I pay off my debts my life is open. And maybe instead of thinking about the possibilities I have I should instead think about the opportunities I have. I may never get married, and being concerned with dating may be a distraction for me. Instead I think I am going to focus on taking advantage of the freedom I have, and pursue with more vigor. Heck more vigor and vim.

I had a mystical experience. Ironically enough it was while reading about mysticism. After a couple of weeks of feeling stretched and wondering what is happening something I decided to read during some down time. While reading I started to feel an overwhelming allegiance to God. my beloved lord is the best way to describe it. I was caught up in the moment. I started to crave the nearness to God. I was not watching TV, playing video games, or reading to distract myself. I was in a quiet place that allowed for my love of God to flourish. I was not crushed by my thoughts and stress but I was freed of my responsibilities in that moment. I was connecting to God and to others I have never met in a meaningful way. I learned it is ok to have the temporary experience with God. That I do not have to force it to last but I have to freedom to let it go. Inside of trying to smother it to my bosom I was able to have it and even to look forward to its passing. Because I knew it would pass and I did not have to maintain it I was allowed to have it and then let it go. I did not have to fight with myself to maintain it. And I see now that my faith is not a concrete solid thing that must be built but it is something that I interact with. That I will not be able to adequately use words to describe it but I am able to experience it. I was able to enjoy an experience without guilt or regret in losing it. I was able to speak my love and heart and know it was true. The freedom to have that experience is sometimes missing. Worship at church can seem like just a function, reading the Bible can be just another check mark for the day. But as I, and I hope others, am allowed to have an ebb and flow with God I was able to have that special moment with God. God is good but I may not recognize that all the time I know that I am allowed to have those moments with God.

good times

Life is really good right now. I have lost weight, I getting into better shape, I do not have not have to worry about money to finishing school, I have wonderful friends, God has been doing some great stuff.

healing relationships

Well in the past I have generally written about the nasty things that happen in the past. But now I get to share some good things about relationships. If you have talked to me about my personal view of dating then you know that I am against the idea. I do not think I should date and I doubt God’s plan for my life involves marriage.

Also it is pretty obvious I got hurt real bad a while ago. But last Thursday there was something that happened. I friend asked me to show a friend of his fiancée around Pasadena. It turned out to be a great time. I am used to women being nervous or scared of me because they think I want to get with them. Which is not really true. Or a woman wants to take it in a direction I do not want it to go. While that is rare it happened. I was not nervous or weirded out by showing her around. We made delightful chitchat. Looked at some interesting stuff. I realized it was a good time. I was really happy that I could spend time with someone and not have any problems it is something I have been needing.

Later I show someone that I had a lot of friction with and I realized I was over them. I no longer viewed them with rose color glasses. I no longer was afraid of them and what they thought of me. I realized that God used that short time to heal me of a gaping wound. I could move on happily with joy. So that is the story of healing relationships. That we meet people and they can affect us for the better. No one is a rock all along. No one is by themselves. Others will impact us hopefully God will guide them in healing our brokenness.

So I am giddy and happy. I will probably never see the fiancée’s friend ever again but the impact in my life with last. God is good and knows what He is doing.

Holy Spirit

So I realized that my blog is kinda the supplemental log to my preaching. So that means this one is about the Holy Spirit. Emil Brunner said something interesting about the Holy Spirit. That there can be no one doctrine or definition of the Holy Spirit because the role of the Holy Spirit is so verified. I was thinking about this and over then saying the Holy Spirit is connected to humans I would agree.

But then I have to think about myself and what role the Holy Spirit plays with me. I figure that I need to study like crazy for a sermon. Not because it will inherently make my sermons better but I want to give as many tools to the Holy Spirit as possible. I know that if someone is ever impacted in my ministry then it is because the Holy Spirit moved in them. I believe the Holy Spirit and human intellect are essential for spiritual formation. So it is not about me delivering a good sermon but delivering the best sermon I can so that the Holy Spirit can then use my sermon to change lives.

Earlier today I realized I was a little impatient with a colleague. I am thinking that I need to spend a little more time reflecting with the Holy Spirit. Not that I acted out in any way but just that I was surprised I had to struggle with my attitude so much. So now I am seeing where I need to turn and it will be fun trying to get there.