Sunday, February 8, 2009

A string of broken relationships.

I was listening to some music tonight and it hit me. That some of the relationships that were closest to me where just a long line of broken relationships. I saw that there is a lot of hurt with the people I wanted to be closest to and I have no clue how to respond to that. In high school I had to misfortune of being rejected at least once by every girl I asked out. Often the reject involved them laughing at me. Even from high school I can no longer talk to my ex. We are by no means on good terms. Which I think if funny in hindsight because she was so important to me at the time. It is an odd thing that someone so close can become so distant.

College was no better. I had friends fall in and out of relationship like it was a fad. I rarely keep in contact from anyone in college. I will call a few people every now and then but I realize that we are not close. They are not living life with me and I am not living life with them. I once spent a winter break IMing a fellow student. That was the high light of my day. Then one day she told me she was not looking for a relationship. And a week later she was dating someone else.

I moved more or less across the country and I hoped things would be different here. But there are still the relationships that hold no significance. Although there are people here I have actually connected to. I am able to live out my struggles with friends and those that would do something crazy for me. I realized today that I have some amazing friends that would do something crazy like drive me to LAX. But even here I struggle with those I want to be closest to me. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I wonder if God made me a little off on purpose or if He is spiting that on purpose. It is something I am struggling with. I desire to be known to something and to know them.

I had a friend tell me recently that my biggest obstacle is me. that is true. My stark terror at approaching someone is pretty laughable. If I am belligerent or angry I have no problem dealing with people. But actually approaching them leaves me self-conscience and insecure. This is where psychological problems and theology are slamming together for me. Because I see that God knows what is going down. I am a firm believer in Psalm 139. I think Psalm 139 sums up a lot of my cosmology right there. I guess I should have no problem then.

I am debating on whether to try to talk to some people and maybe fix a few of these broken relationships. I am wondering If I should and if God will be there trying fix them or if I will be inserting myself into God trying to teach someone something. I guess I am trying to figure out if I push my theology on relationships onto other people. I hesitate doing that because I think people who “know what is right” are generally complete morons and blind to the deficiencies of their views.

Broken relationships are no fun but I look back and see a string of them.

1 comment:

M. Lumpkin said...

For years fear of rejection and pain from remembered rejection and alienation kept me guarded and from openning myself to real friendship.

Then one time a new friend sent me a letter (a real paper one) while he was studying abroad about his lonliness and struggles with his sexuality, pornography and his Christianity. I was blown away. How could this guy risk himself like this? How could he make himself so vulnerable to me? We had only been friends for a few months.

I had a choice. I could respond in kind and make myself vulnerable or I could ignore it and pretend like it never happened.

He is one of the closest friends I have and that one act of tremendous vulnerability and exposure of himself to risk transformed the way I relate people and especially how I make new relationships. It takes sensitivity and judgment but the only way to transcend the fear and pain that comes from the history of broken relationships is by putting yourself out there in vulnerability and replacing those memories of that vulnverability being trampled on with new ones of it being cherish and reciprocated to.

Or so it has been with me. Even though you're a punk, I'm enjoying getting to know you.