being nice

Am I a Christian? I have been asking some friends that question recently. Or another way of putting it is “if you did not know I was in seminary would you think I was a Christian?” That also begs the question of what it means to be a Christian. Now I decided not to define Christian because there is no real set definition. Some of the militias in Africa claim to be Christian. And to be honest when I get to heaven I may find out that people who used child soldiers are there too. So if I start declaring who is or is not a Christian then I start to limit God.

But I am still curious to know if others who know me well know that I am a Christian. So far the answer is yes. Yes my friends think I am a Christian. It is nice to know this but it does not mean I can just say I am done. I still need to conform my mind to a better way of thinking. I am seeing that there are a lot of opportunities to be a totally jerk but I actually chose to be nice. Now I think that is informed by my faith. Because I know I can get a much more interesting reaction if I am a jerk.

I also suggest being nice does not get one anything. That even then I find my reaction is to be nice to people it does not earn me friends, accolades or an easier time at anything. Being nice tends to end up being null. I haven’t made any enemies but I did not make any friends either.

But I do not think it is just a matter of being nice but I saying that being a Christian has encouraged me to being nice. I think it is part of learning to love people and such. Now love is the most important thing we get from the Bible. First we have to love God and then we are to love our neighbors and ourselves. It does not matter what I learn in seminary if I do not get the love part down. So I think I am on the right road as a Christian, but I do not think being nice is the lynch pin of that.

star gazing is dangerous

I have come to realize a couple of things. I expect Christians to live up to the Bible. Now I understand that people read and interpret the Bible in different ways. I have no problem with this. I expect then that people live what they interpret the Bible to mean. The goal is still to live out what they think the Bible is saying. For me I read love out of the Bible. I read Grace out of the Bible. I expect that Love is to be central to a Christian. Paul writes in Corinthians that he could speak in the tongues of men and angels but without love it is meaningless. So love is incredibly important. Jesus threw love at people before condemnation.

Now I was star gazing over the weekend. I was going from Orion’s belt to Sirius. Then up to Procyon. I could more or less see the major constellations but not much else. It got me thinking. I started to realize that there is too much beauty in the universe not to live without following my ideology. I needed to take risks and do things that could end up hurting me because of love. If God can create some kickass stars and let me enjoy them, then I can seek reconciliation.

the Thursday before this a I was talking to a friend about how I could not understand why I was rejected so easily and with such finality. I had given lip service to considering the other side but really I feel onto my side because that was the side I saw most clearly. Now my friend said something I had thought before but I decide to pay more attention to it because obviously my position was going nowhere. He advised me to ask if I had hurt someone. And I figured heck I cannot be ignored any more then I already am so I may as well ask them if I hurt them.

I want to hear if I hurt someone. I want them to tell me to my face that I hurt them. My honor demands nothing less than addressing when I hurt someone. It too this experience and being in California for me to realize what my honor is. My honor is the good I like about me. that I do not oppress people knowingly. That I do not manipulate people for enjoyment. Certain situations demand certain actions and I have no other option. But a lot of people think Americans have no concept of honor. I read in a book about how other cultures have a monopoly have on honor but not the West. But I see now coming from a fairly blue-collar background that honor is so ingrained in me I would have to throw a lot away to abandon it. My honor leads me to live for God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

The point is that I took a risk. I am trying to ask if I hurt someone and I want to hear them tell me how if I did. I trust God to empower me to deal with it as a Christian, with love and grace and seeking forgiveness. I want to live like I read the Bible and follow it. I want to live with Christians who do the same. It will be interesting to see how it works out.
End communication.

New Year

It has been some crazy times. Being home over winter break was weird. When I got home a lot of people called me and wanted to hang out and such. It was so weird to me. I am not used to people calling me and wanting to hang out. It is the definition of popular for me. Normally people do not call me but instead I normally am the one to call others.

There was also this weird feeling being home. Like I know my parents still love me, but I did not feel the same about their house that I did back in the day. When I got back to school and into my apartment I felt this sense of home. I told this to someone and they mentioned that individuation must have settled in. And I kinda think that must be true. That my place in cali has become home. When I was driving back through the city it had a familiar beauty to it. I never thought I would feel that way about cali.

I am getting my feet back under me right now. Getting back into the swing of school and all the responsibility that brings. I am looking forward to this semester. It should be good and interesting. Weeeee.

I am still dealing with being wrecked last semester. In IL it did not seem so important, but now I am terrified of running into things that remind me of her. Because I do not want to deal with that pain. I feel like I am walking around in an emotional minefield that could go at any moment. That I may run into her and feel all the old crap again. I hate feeling shy and insecure. I hate feeling unworthy and alone. I want to feel apart. That I matter. I have good friends here and I think I would absolutely ruined without them. I guess it is about learning and healing. I wonder if I will ever end up in a healthy relationship. I would like to just be friends with a woman the same way I am friends with everyone. That may sound weird but I do not want to play social games. I do not want to be coy. I want to hang with people who are interesting and teach me. I want to be crack my bad jokes and say my piece. I want my crap to be refuted and I want to be edified by my relationships. I make friends with guys who naturally do this but I find it is incredible rare for a woman to do it. I could be weird or it could be that subcultures I run with. I am just not sure. Well tonight I am going to take it easy

I got a headache. Not sure why, meh.

End communication

today

I woke up this morning with a familiar sensation. Hollow-bitterness. It is a feeling of being alone and empty. That really nothing and no one matters because I don’t matter. Since I do not matter the existence of the world is a mild effrontery to me. But since I don’t matter it is nothing to get terribly worked up about.

It does not mean that I shut down. I still get things done and work towards goals. There is not satisfaction or life in it. I am like a robot completing the task set before it because it does not know what else to do. I type and research and formulate papers because I have no answer. I do not have anything else to do.

The one glimmer of hope or joy is in other people. Talking to them. Sharing in what they are going through. But since I am alone those interactions are few and infrequent. The basis for this is that someone had just affirmed all my fears, and confirmed everything I hate about myself. She called me an illusion. That I did not trust, and was not really honest with her. If I think I am honest but I am not then what do I have? Am I not real? Am I another person? I was told I was not worth knowing. That it would take effort and I must not be worth that effort.

None of this is new. Actually she was repeating what a lot of people have told me over my life. Maybe I am bitter that I have to exist in a world I don’t fit. Maybe I am hollow because I have nothing inside. I often wonder how much of an impact I really have. I wonder if I were to disappear if anyone would really care. I know my family would. But I don’t know if anyone else would.

I would if anyone’s world would come crashing down. I know that would not happen. I know if I were to have a funeral a few people would be sad for a while but they would get by it relatively quickly. I think if I lost a close friend it would devastate me. I do not know how I would go on.

I see that as my weakness. I am too weak. I need to be stronger and not need anyone. If other people can move on without me then why do I have to be the one to need others? I just do not have an answer. I know God loves me, but he can love me anywhere. I am not sure why I have to be here. “Dying is the easy part, its life that is hard.”

dreams and journals

I have had two dreams. And I am not sure what they are trying to tell me. First I rarely dream. Secondly normally when I dream I completely controls those dreams. The exception is when my mind is trying to process through issues I am going through. Normally a fear is presented or a desire is addressed. But I am not sure what my brain is trying to process.

The first dream is mixes my college and high school. There was a relationship I knew of in college where the guy had a temper. Now in my dream I took a girl I knew in high school and put her in the relationship with the guy. Now I had noticed she had a black eye. And I instinctively knew that he had hit her. So my response was to be very angry and encourage her to get out of that relationship. I did not like her getting abused.

The next dream comes from that wonderful show gossip girl. I was one of the guys and I was torn between two of the female characters. Also there was another guy who wanted one of the girls. What is my mind trying to tell me?
I am not sure what my mind is trying to tell me.

Also I had a real trip last night reading my old journals. I have really not changed that much since High School. I am a little less superstitious but that is about it. I still have the same problems, fears, senses of inadequacy and sins. Weird huh. I also found a little journal that I had kept a bunch of thoughts in. I am going to start posting them in the quotes section of facebook.

The Greatest Con ever part two

I was watching a movie and the end gave me the inspiration for the title of the two part series. In a way the greatest con ever is that the ego convinces someone that it is who they are. Without going into an explanation of the ego I see this and I am hit by it
Because maybe I am not who I think I am. Maybe I am not everything I have been told.

Whenever there is friction between me and someone else I am ready to blame myself. I am ready to say that it is my fault. I like would rather hold someone else in higher regard then think poorly of them. Which is what happened with this woman. I made excuses that put the blame on me and not on her. I was using what Paul said about thinking of others better then yourself as the reason why I am terrible and she is not.

One of the things I started to identify with Paul is his harsh self image. In Romans he talks about how he is the worst sinner. I see that in myself. I tend to view myself as being the worst sinner just like Paul. I think that we both cannot relate to each other there. While this is not the best exegesis of the test it allows me have a more personal understanding of the Bible.

I really do not have an explanation for how everything fits together. It seems like I will live a very mediocre life. That despite the good things that happen in my life they will be balanced out by some really crappy things. I am lucky that I have for what I do have. Without the support of my family and one or two close friends I really do not know how my life would be right now. It seems like life is ok with some really crappy moments.

I have some solace thinking that things will get better. I will end up doing quite well. I have a weird optimism that seems to think things will turn up aces but I have no proof it will. So the greatest con is thinking all the crap I have been told is really me. I have a future that I control. It is matter of accepting what I cannot change and work on what I can change. And knowing the difference between the two. Then shamelessly ripping off the serenity prayer. Ha.

the greatest con ever part one

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently. Thanksgiving is generally a time that lets me know where I am. Thanksgiving is the time to spend with family and loved ones, the people you hold close and share a special connection. For me it reminds how alone I really am. I spend thanksgiving alone. No one invites me to a dinner expect as a pity invitation or the impersonal invitation you give to friendly acquaintances. I am not sure anyone has invited me without knowing I was going to spend it alone at first. Thanksgiving is the time I know no one will care how I spend it or what I will do. And that seems to cap off what I have been thinking about.

In high school my youth pastor said something to me that hit me right to the core. He was explaining to me why he did something and his reasoning behind it was because I was sensitive. That was so revealing to me. It seemed so right. I am sensitive. I am not made of stone but everything hits me full on. I look at society and I see that being sensitive is bad. A man should be tough and ready to fight. A man should not let emotion get to him but be strong. Strength is the key not being sensitive. I am a deviant.

In college I found the word to describe how I acted socially. I was an introvert. I was not good at glad handing and did not like big groups. I am nervous about being rejected by strangers. One of my professors mentioned that in America the extrovert is the ideal and no one wants to admit to being an introvert. I see now that the introvert makes people uncomfortable. They have secrets and no one likes that. Not only was I a deviant because I was sensitive but I was a deviant because I was an introvert.

For good or bad I place a lot of my esteem in how I think others perceive me. I had one friend say how lucky we were that women looked at personality more then looks. I never had a woman tell me I was cute, and here I was being lumped in as being ugly. So it reinforced this concept that I was ugly. I have no confidence in my looks. The story I seemed to get over and over is that I am not attractive. Every time I asked out a woman I got rejected. In high school they literally laughed at me. In college they used God as an excuse. I told someone I was thinking about asking out a certain person and I was told I was intimidating. So now I am ugly and intimidating. Those two concepts made so much sense. They explained why I was so lonely. Why no one liked me and why no one I asked out ever said yes.

So I have this terrible self image of myself. I have no confidence to walk up to someone and start a conversation. So when I do talk to someone I am awkward and that makes the whole experience uncomfortable, which feeds back into all the harsh things I believe about myself. So I am in an ever deepening well.

I would like to say that being a Christian fixes everything. That because I have Jesus I do not feel bad that no one likes me. That I get all the love I need from God. But a cold look at my heart reveals this to be untrue. So I say I am unfaithful. I do not love God enough. I am not a good enough Christian. Now I am ugly, intimidating, and not a good enough Christian.

Recently an experience has destroyed any contentment I had at Fuller. I was ok with being me and I was happy here. But now I am so twisted up inside. I let a woman in too close. Because I was sensitive I had no barriers or protection. I had nothing to guard myself with. She asked me if the words I spoke were my own or someone else’s. They were my own. But the doubt that came from that forced me to check everything I said. Were they my own? Was I merely an amalgam of other’s wisdom? I think they are my own but who can really say.

We had a bit of an age difference. But I did not really think that mattered. If we were in different places of life and therefore incompatible than it would be apparent. But if we were compatible then the age difference would mean nothing. But everything I did and said was evaluated based on whether it was mature or not. Was I “grown up” enough or was I merely a child playing at being an adult. I had to watch everything I did in a new light. I was so unsure of what I was doing and saying.

For a while it was weird between us. She was not sure she wanted a relationship and she had a lot to think about. I keep thinking over and over in my head how I was being perceived. Were my physical looks going to hurt me? Was my awkwardness going to drive her away? Was I too young? Was I too weird? What would she think of my apparent defects? Is this the sign I am really unlovable? And it did come crumbling down. One evening I had these expectations with her. And instead I was thrown into a new situation I was ill prepared for. I was awkward, introverted, and I knew any good view of me she had was destroyed.

The next day I got a call for a conversation. She confirmed my fears. I am unlovable and she did not want to deal with that. It was too much for me. Too much to process and to try to understand. I just left. I was hurt and angry. I had no response. I let her in so close to let her see me and I wanted to know her. But it was a brutal experience. The person I let me see me ended up rejecting me.

My greatest fear in life is to be rejected. To come up short and be told I am unworthy. Honestly it really seems like I am rejected. I am spending Thanksgiving alone in traditional Matt fashion. Tomorrow I will watch TV. Looking for some solace in media. There is a lot more for me to say. Maybe I will. But that will be for tomorrow.