today

I woke up this morning with a familiar sensation. Hollow-bitterness. It is a feeling of being alone and empty. That really nothing and no one matters because I don’t matter. Since I do not matter the existence of the world is a mild effrontery to me. But since I don’t matter it is nothing to get terribly worked up about.

It does not mean that I shut down. I still get things done and work towards goals. There is not satisfaction or life in it. I am like a robot completing the task set before it because it does not know what else to do. I type and research and formulate papers because I have no answer. I do not have anything else to do.

The one glimmer of hope or joy is in other people. Talking to them. Sharing in what they are going through. But since I am alone those interactions are few and infrequent. The basis for this is that someone had just affirmed all my fears, and confirmed everything I hate about myself. She called me an illusion. That I did not trust, and was not really honest with her. If I think I am honest but I am not then what do I have? Am I not real? Am I another person? I was told I was not worth knowing. That it would take effort and I must not be worth that effort.

None of this is new. Actually she was repeating what a lot of people have told me over my life. Maybe I am bitter that I have to exist in a world I don’t fit. Maybe I am hollow because I have nothing inside. I often wonder how much of an impact I really have. I wonder if I were to disappear if anyone would really care. I know my family would. But I don’t know if anyone else would.

I would if anyone’s world would come crashing down. I know that would not happen. I know if I were to have a funeral a few people would be sad for a while but they would get by it relatively quickly. I think if I lost a close friend it would devastate me. I do not know how I would go on.

I see that as my weakness. I am too weak. I need to be stronger and not need anyone. If other people can move on without me then why do I have to be the one to need others? I just do not have an answer. I know God loves me, but he can love me anywhere. I am not sure why I have to be here. “Dying is the easy part, its life that is hard.”