Low Church Musings

stupid smile on my face

2010-08-26T10:12:00.001-07:00

Go ahead ask me why I have a stupid grin on my face!

Caring too much

2010-08-17T12:57:00.001-07:00

What is the job of a pastor? Is it to be a moral voice in a world of sin? Are they to manage a church so that people have something to come to on Sundays? Are they to placate the masses so government has a reliable source of stability? Are they supposed to listen to people in their dark times?

I have been thinking a lot about what my job means. I know I am not really evangelist. Meaning my major goal in life is not to make new converts. My desire is to help Christians be better Christians. I want people to grow closer to God, not just acknowledge God exists. But I wonder what metrics I am judged by. I wonder what metrics I use on myself. I find I have placed myself in an impossible situation. I am supposed to be efficient, produce something. The youth in the church should be baptized. They should come more often maybe. But what does that matter? I want the youth to know when they face something hard God is there for them. if they need to talk to someone, I am there for them. That is not something I can measure.

My time ends up in a weird balance. I work at making lessons and sermons. I outline, exegesis, and research for lessons. I give them a clear order then apply illustrations that support the main idea. I produce a lesson that can be measured as good or bad.

I try to be open to the lives of the youth I work with. I have a side that cannot be measured. I want to be like coach or fan and cheer the people of my church on. I want to encourage the youth. I suppose I could sum it up and say I care. How can I measure caring? Do I use the amount of time I care? Can I even measure that?

I feel stretched, I want to have good marks on the metrics, and I want to be open. So I am trying to live into standards I cannot measure or really understand. I don’t know for sure how much or little an impact I am having. And that is the problem I just do not know how ‘efficient’ I am in any of the worlds I work in. I could be on a crash course of burnout but I have no clue what else I can do.

Why is it so hard to keep Sabbath?

2010-08-13T15:14:00.000-07:00

I try to force myself to take one day where I do not work. It makes sense if there should be a day for God. Sunday cannot be a Sabbath for me because that is my big day. The day that stresses me out the most and I cannot relax. Saturday will not work because I am putting the finishing touches on what happens for Sunday. So my work week is from Saturday-Thursday. The hard part is that I could work on Friday. I enjoy my work. Yesterday I spent hours just reading the bible, reading commentaries, and preparing for family camp. And it was totally fun and interesting to me. I love IMing youth, planning ahead, and doing my work.

So I have to spend my Sabbath not thinking about this week’s lesson. I need to ignore the desire to take care of errands. If my life is so busy with work I may start to ignore the reason for my work. Forgetting God would not be cool, but I know it is a possibility.

So today I am trying to not work. That means I have surfed the internet, listened to music, and read some fiction. Now I am writing a blog entry. I could play some video games but I am not really feeling it right now. I don’t just want to sit and watch tv. It is interesting how to prevent burnout, God wants us to not do work. I probably am better for taking a Sabbath but sometimes it is hard.

so everything got fixed

2010-08-12T12:51:00.001-07:00

turns out my job is safe for a year and all the other stuff will be taken care of by other people. when i heard that i go so much relief. i had to call the many people who were worried about me and let them know the good news.

Ennui is not just for French people

2010-07-16T15:17:00.001-07:00

I gots the ennui (pronounced “on-weee”). I have it because I have reached all of my goals and I am not sure what I want to do with my life. The only thing I have really known is school. And I just completed that. So I suppose I get a job. But I was already a Youth Pastor, and now I am an English Pastor. So it is not like I have a goal to be a pastor. I really do not have a clear focused goal like getting my M. Div. So I am getting into my denominations pool of people looking for jobs. I think I want to be a pastor of spiritual formation, but really I just want to work in a church I love. This summer I am working at my church, and I am waiting for God to show me what He has I store for me later.

What my Church has Taught Me.

2010-04-30T09:57:00.001-07:00

Life happens and there is no need to try and control every aspect about it. the first Church I worked in taught my how to plan like no ones business. We would plan out the whole summer in an afternoon. I worked out a system for planning a day camp. I could plan like everything was under my control.

The church I am working at now has taught me that life happens. There are times when unexpected things happen. Instead of freaking out that the plan has not worked, just make it up as it goes. There have been numerous Sundays I showed up and had no clue what would happen.

It has been helpful for me right now. I do not to plan out my future. I have two paths before me right now. Either my church finds me a place to live and I stay through the summer at the very least, or I go back to Illinois in june and start looking for a church to hire me. Either way it could be very fun. I like not having to stress about my plan.

I am starting to see how I will not be leaving in a world of plans. I will be living in a world of God. Sometimes that will mean planning and organizing, but other times that means I will be letting things happen. I do not want an efficient ministry. I do not want a ministry measured by metrics of the world. I instead just want to lift my life up to God so that He may give me to others. Now that would be cool.

I got Unplugged

2010-03-28T23:56:00.000-07:00

This last Thursday I got to go up to Lake Arrowhead in the mountains. It was great because I was not going to take my laptop, nor was I going to watch TV. I even left my IPod back home. It is rare for me to be so disconnected from technology. Right now I am typing on my desktop while Jac Pepin is cooking on the TV. While I love the great things technology has to offer I know I need time to just read and think.

So while I was reading I realized how far my education has gone. I was reading a book about early Christian texts and I could place them and understand their context. I could see how much I have changed since coming to seminary. I do not think education replaces a passion for God, but my education has lead me to have a deeper faith in God. I know that God most have been involved in the Bible otherwise we would have ended up with some terrible stuff. I think education allows people to connect on a deeper level with God. They can see the obvious beauty of God, but also the beauty that is found in the intricacies of life.

I also read a book on hate. I realized there are people I should hate. I should wish them the worst possible things. But I do not hate them. Some of them have really messed me up, but I still think they are children of God and carrying God’s image. That makes them special. Hate is easy, but I cannot hate that well. So now I have to get on to the much harder working towards reconciliation. It would be nice to write people off but I do not have the luxury. God creates more work for me, but in the end I like it.

I start my last quarter of school. I am scared and thrilled with the prospect of the future.

The End of Ecclesiastes

2010-03-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

I finished reading Ecclesiastes today. I like where the book comes from. It does not try to paint a world that is prefect and nice. Instead it seems to be for a world that is broken and messed up. There are good things in life and there are bad things.

Most recently I have had to come to turns with some of the bad things in life. I found out last week my first youth pastor did something terrible. I could believe want I and it has been bothering me for a while. I see how fragile it is to be in a place of trust for youth and have the trust violated. I stand firm in my belief that youth need to be protected. But really sometimes working with youth seems so very dangerous. There seems to always be a hint of suspicion.

When I think about my own situation I wonder what I should do. There seems to be this underlying assumption I should get married, or that I am weird for not being married. But with marriage pretty much being a fifty-fifty shot in the dark marriage does not seem to be something I want or need. I admit if I find a woman who has that right combination of being gorgeous and being someone I want to talk to all night then sure I would get married. But I have not met that person and I doubt she exists.

So back to Ecclesiastes, it has the wonder message that no matter how much skill I have at something it will not necessarily save me from bad things. Instead I should focus on life being something to enjoy. I cannot make it perfect but I can enjoy the small gifts God gives me. I hang out with some friends last night and it was wonder. It was a great reminder God has placed some amazing people in my life and I cannot get hung up on the bad things that happen. I am on spring break this week and my goal is to read a Dallas Willard book and putter around.

End Communication.

A live dog is better than a dead lion.

2010-03-11T19:25:00.001-08:00

That sounds a lot more negative than I mean it at the moment, but this has been a stressful week for me. I participated in my first memorial service which left me shell shocked for a few days. I am not used to death and I do not like the idea of being ok with it. I had to give my final speech/group presentation on Tuesday and today I learned we did poorly. My internship is winding down and I found that the next interview for my interview was never scheduled, and I am scrambling to get the rest of my paper work in on time. I had the most uncomfortable conversation with the person who has hurt me the most in seminary. Trying to do what Jesus would want me to do with her is hard. I started to write my final for Theology and Culture. I have seen God really working in my life, showing me how loved I am by some close friends. It has been a week that has been harder than normal but I think I am handling it best as I can. I have not done anything I am ashamed of.

So I turned to Ecclesiastes 9, it has the wonderful subtitle “Take life as it comes.” I can honestly say it is a great chapter. Good things and bad things are going to happen to me. That is not an excuse to do things I will regret later no matter how satisfying they may be at the moment. Also I know I need to take the good and just live in it. I have no clue what I am going to do with my life. I have no ambition. I just know this; I am going to love God with everything I am, I am going to minister to other people no matter what I do, I am going to do my best to never treat people the way I have been treated.

I have no clue what shape that will mean for the future but I am diving in with no abandon. It is better to be alive with low status than to be a great figure without life. I know that as long as I do nothing to tarnish my honor and my name I can be doing something for God. I hope things get better in the next couple of weeks but right now I have a lot of stress

PEACE

So I have been thinking about love.

2010-03-05T10:48:00.001-08:00

So I have been thinking about love. And no I am not thinking about romantic love; anyone who knows me knows what a dead-end for me that is.

But love seems to be one of those words that is supposed to have meaning and be important, yet really we do not seem to know how to live it out. I say that because people (including me) seem to be terribly rude to each other, ready to ignore the needs other people, and generally do not want to look to the welfare of other people.

So what is love? Because of theology and who I am I point to 1 Corinthians 13 as one of the best definitions of love. So Paul states love is: patient, kind, happy when truth wins out, always hopes, endures through all circumstances. Love is not: jealous, boastful, proud, rude, demand its own way, irritable, does not remember wrongs, not happy about injustice, a quitter, faithless. That second list is longer than the first. It is easier to mess up then to do something right I figure.

What gets me is that I do not think see people living out this love with other people, especially in the church. Now I am not holding up the angry, polemical Christians, but I think the regular Christians could live with more love in their lives. Because what would happen if a Christian lived chapter 13?

For me I think it would change my ministry. My ministry would have to be colored by those attributes. I think I would have to learn how every interaction I have should be rooted in love. It would be my moral and theological duty to compliment people. What better way to sure love then recognize the good in people and let them know others see it.

Every interaction I have with a person becomes the chance and opportunity to love someone. It seems like something I am going to have to think about for a while. Right now I am thinking that Christ is the only source for this love. That the more Christ is in my life, the more he is the center, the more ability I have to live out this love.

ddss

2009-11-15T21:48:00.001-08:00

This has been a really weird month for me. I guess God has exposed a huge blind spot to me. I have always had a strong internal locus of control. I have always thought that I could control what happens around me. Generally it was not an overt sense of control but when bad things happened to me I always found a way to blame myself. This experience is no different.

The weird thing is that with my family there is no way I can do what I normally do. I find it somewhat disturbing there is nothing I can do or even really blame. God has made it quite clear that he is in charge and I am just along for the ride. If God is not something to be trusted then this is a problem. But I am reminded that God can be trusted and everything good comes from Him.

I know this is affecting work. I am seeing how what I am going through spiritual is what I am talking about. I hope this is not a bad thing. Which may be another attempt to control what is happening around me. This is hard sorting everything out. I feel like everything around me is crumbling, and the simplest explanation is to question myself and my worth. I do not think there is any simple answer to what is going on.

The greatest comfort I have is that I know God will get me through this. I do not doubt that God will get me through life. I guess I am wrestling with my emotions and it may take a while.

nothing is better, but everything has changed

2009-11-10T11:57:00.000-08:00

November always seems to be a terrible month for me. This year it is no different. For the past week I have felt that bad things keep happening to my family. Part of it is that I am learning about issues in my family now even though they have been happening for a while. Half of my extended family is sick and that is crazy to me. I have a small family so it is not like there are a lot of people to begin with. So now that half of them are ill I am not very happy. But what is hitting me is my powerlessness to do anything and I felt that God had failed me. God never promised me safety but I assumed God would take care of my family. I don’t really care what happens to me but I felt that God would at least keep them safe.
Maybe that is the next lesson I need to learn. That God is in control and we have no ‘deals.’ God does not barter or make deals with what people will or will not do. If I had a deal with God that would mean I really did not trust God. It would mean I would have some sort of legal recourse. Instead I have been forced to see that nothing is certain, but God is in control. There is nothing wrong with that. It has reminded me that I need to die to myself and live in Christ. I cannot stand apart from God and tell him how to take care of my family; I can just trust that everything I believe about God is true. And what I struggle with I hope I can say “Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief.”
I also saw that the God I had over my family was not the God I love. For a long time I was frightened to approach God. That If went to God I would only find silence or impotence. I had a god that was more in my image then God. God was patient with me. He even chased after me in this hard time. I have never had a problem with realistically identifying my problem but it is moving on when I know what the problem is that trips me up. I hit my turning point this Monday. Things are still terrible and overwhelming. But I am finding comfort in God. God is not powerless in the face of this problem.
I am not better, I am not happy, and I am not ok with anything. But I am turning to God. I finally used prayer to turn this entire situation over to God. I am finally at a point where I can approach God’s presence and let Him talk to me, not tell Him what to do.
Honestly I think a big part of that are my friends here. In college I learned that if you told anyone about your problems people freaked out. But here friends have gathered around me and let me know that I am cared for. One friend has repeatedly asked if there is anything they can do and my problem was I had no idea what to ask for. Knowing that people care has been great and helpful. I am thankful for people surrounding me and loving me.
As this week progresses I am going to try to get into God’s presence. I am going to seek Him and listen to what he has for me. I am going to open my heart to God because I do not feel I need to hide it anymore. It is wonderful to know when I am being silly God is still there, that I love a God that is ready when I am and does not abandon me because I am in pain. I do not think I have been making great choices lately, but I know that I am not abandoned. God is neato.

A New Thought on the Focus of God.

2009-09-17T22:17:00.001-07:00

This last quarter I took early church history. One of the topics covered by this course is the monastic movement. I saw in the hermits and monks people that were afraid of their own humanity. They were afraid that if they saw a woman she would be a distraction. I see in my own fears of sin in their reactions. They became human and I can understand them. As I have noted many times before relationships have been hard for me. Both friendships and romantic relationships. A sharp thorn has been romantic relationships. In the hermits I see that same issue but their response was to run from it. To hide. And maybe that is the best way to deal with it. To get away completely and not worry about it. Because then a person is focused on God and not on the sin that gets them.

I read an article recently that said that the monks were removing themselves to focus on God. That is was not just their sin but it was the things that tempted them. The focus was about getting rid of ALL distractions. If a person got married then they would try to raise a family. In raising a family they would be focused on something other then God. This is another important issue. The monks were not hiding from sin. They were challenging the very things of this world that took them away from God.

I wondering if that is the mindset I should have for God. Those things that distract me from God should be ignored and instead I should focus on God. I was talking a friend recently and I pointed out I have unlimited possibilities. That I can do anything I want with my life. I can move any where and take any job. As long as I pay off my debts my life is open. And maybe instead of thinking about the possibilities I have I should instead think about the opportunities I have. I may never get married, and being concerned with dating may be a distraction for me. Instead I think I am going to focus on taking advantage of the freedom I have, and pursue with more vigor. Heck more vigor and vim.

2009-06-17T15:22:00.001-07:00

I had a mystical experience. Ironically enough it was while reading about mysticism. After a couple of weeks of feeling stretched and wondering what is happening something I decided to read during some down time. While reading I started to feel an overwhelming allegiance to God. my beloved lord is the best way to describe it. I was caught up in the moment. I started to crave the nearness to God. I was not watching TV, playing video games, or reading to distract myself. I was in a quiet place that allowed for my love of God to flourish. I was not crushed by my thoughts and stress but I was freed of my responsibilities in that moment. I was connecting to God and to others I have never met in a meaningful way. I learned it is ok to have the temporary experience with God. That I do not have to force it to last but I have to freedom to let it go. Inside of trying to smother it to my bosom I was able to have it and even to look forward to its passing. Because I knew it would pass and I did not have to maintain it I was allowed to have it and then let it go. I did not have to fight with myself to maintain it. And I see now that my faith is not a concrete solid thing that must be built but it is something that I interact with. That I will not be able to adequately use words to describe it but I am able to experience it. I was able to enjoy an experience without guilt or regret in losing it. I was able to speak my love and heart and know it was true. The freedom to have that experience is sometimes missing. Worship at church can seem like just a function, reading the Bible can be just another check mark for the day. But as I, and I hope others, am allowed to have an ebb and flow with God I was able to have that special moment with God. God is good but I may not recognize that all the time I know that I am allowed to have those moments with God.

good times

2009-04-23T10:36:00.001-07:00

Life is really good right now. I have lost weight, I getting into better shape, I do not have not have to worry about money to finishing school, I have wonderful friends, God has been doing some great stuff.

healing relationships

2009-04-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

Well in the past I have generally written about the nasty things that happen in the past. But now I get to share some good things about relationships. If you have talked to me about my personal view of dating then you know that I am against the idea. I do not think I should date and I doubt God’s plan for my life involves marriage.

Also it is pretty obvious I got hurt real bad a while ago. But last Thursday there was something that happened. I friend asked me to show a friend of his fiancée around Pasadena. It turned out to be a great time. I am used to women being nervous or scared of me because they think I want to get with them. Which is not really true. Or a woman wants to take it in a direction I do not want it to go. While that is rare it happened. I was not nervous or weirded out by showing her around. We made delightful chitchat. Looked at some interesting stuff. I realized it was a good time. I was really happy that I could spend time with someone and not have any problems it is something I have been needing.

Later I show someone that I had a lot of friction with and I realized I was over them. I no longer viewed them with rose color glasses. I no longer was afraid of them and what they thought of me. I realized that God used that short time to heal me of a gaping wound. I could move on happily with joy. So that is the story of healing relationships. That we meet people and they can affect us for the better. No one is a rock all along. No one is by themselves. Others will impact us hopefully God will guide them in healing our brokenness.

So I am giddy and happy. I will probably never see the fiancée’s friend ever again but the impact in my life with last. God is good and knows what He is doing.

Holy Spirit

2009-03-27T21:01:00.001-07:00

So I realized that my blog is kinda the supplemental log to my preaching. So that means this one is about the Holy Spirit. Emil Brunner said something interesting about the Holy Spirit. That there can be no one doctrine or definition of the Holy Spirit because the role of the Holy Spirit is so verified. I was thinking about this and over then saying the Holy Spirit is connected to humans I would agree.

But then I have to think about myself and what role the Holy Spirit plays with me. I figure that I need to study like crazy for a sermon. Not because it will inherently make my sermons better but I want to give as many tools to the Holy Spirit as possible. I know that if someone is ever impacted in my ministry then it is because the Holy Spirit moved in them. I believe the Holy Spirit and human intellect are essential for spiritual formation. So it is not about me delivering a good sermon but delivering the best sermon I can so that the Holy Spirit can then use my sermon to change lives.

Earlier today I realized I was a little impatient with a colleague. I am thinking that I need to spend a little more time reflecting with the Holy Spirit. Not that I acted out in any way but just that I was surprised I had to struggle with my attitude so much. So now I am seeing where I need to turn and it will be fun trying to get there.

A new thought on love

2009-03-21T11:04:00.001-07:00

It is a funny thing how I will listen to a catholic or Anglican and my life will be changed by that experience. Maybe not an enormous change, but one that challenges my beliefs about people, and how God wants me to live.

I was listening to the BBC version of All Things Considered and they were talking to a monk. What the monk said about love was incredible. He said that the priest or monk has the ability to love more people because they are not married. And that resonated with me. this is not my usual diatribe about marriage but instead an understanding of how people love. In a marriage the couple feels an intense love for the other person. And they should not feel that type of love for anyone else. That love reaches a passion other people will not be able to see. I will never claim to know the kind of love that can exist in a marriage because I am not married and I doubt I ever want to be married. So in marriage there is the love that is deep but for only one person. But a single person can love many people at the same level. There is no intimate connection binding them to one person. The love they express for others can go as deep as possibility with infringing on a relationship ordained by God. So the single person may never know the intensity of love in a marriage they can share their love with many people unfettered.

Both obviously have good points and bad points to them. for a long time I wondered what is the real role of a single person in the church. Everyone expects me to get married and I get the question of if there is someone special in my life or not. The reason I do not think I am going to get married is that every time I get involved with someone it ends up wrecking me. I get used emotional or something else. Since it really does not seem to by God’s plan for my life I have the freedom to start exploring loving others in great depth. Those who know me well see how funny this statement is. It is something I am looking forward to exploring. Maybe I will finally get my theology of singleness sorted out.

Love of the Bible

2009-03-11T20:53:00.001-07:00

Falling in Love with the Bible
I have been writing a sermon on the Bible this week. Which has made me think about what I like about that Bible and what I think about the Bible. In high school I loved the Bible. I carried it everywhere I went. All my pants and shorts have cargo pockets to fit my Bible. In College my faith took a hit. Everyone was Christian and we never talked about Christianity. It was like the faith was handed to us and it was never something we had to wrestle with. We were all Christian so it did not matter. I still viewed the Bible as authoritative but I did not have the same passion I had in high school. I knew I was called into ministry so I went to seminary. While in Seminary I had a course over the first summer about the Bible in pastoral care. I was worried it would be about how the Bible will explain all psychological problems as sin issues and the Bible will fix those problems. Well the course was taught by an Anglican priest and it changed my life.

The professor brought up Psalm 119 and held it up for the class to look at. And he said something that was stunning ‘the psalm was an erotic love for the Bible.’ That the author loved the Bible like he loved a woman. It was amazing. I guess I had not seen someone in love with the Bible for a long time. That started a little kernel of passion for the Bible in me. I started to look at the Bible like I did in high school. I started to turn my emotions to the Bible not just my intellect. I think all Christians should turn their emotions to God as well as their minds. So when my emotions started to get into the Bible I started to see my relationship with God was getting deeper. I was able to turn all of me to God and God started to get more of what He deserved, not just some aspect of me.

So in working for this sermon I am trying to explain how to talk about love of the Bible without being moralistic or judgmental. It seems to be a fine line and I don’t want to say “read the Bible or else” and I don’t want to say “the Bible is nice and you should sometime look at it.” I am still shaping the direction this is going but the highlight for me is going to try to be communicating my love for the Bible.

One a side note I started to use a daily lectionary for my Bible reading but if you ask me I will deny it and tell you how lectionaries are evil.

me super busy.

2009-02-21T19:27:00.000-08:00

What the heck just happened? So earlier this week I was cruising along feelin’ fine and a whole lot of work hit me. I had a paper due Friday that I did not start until Wednesday. It was a fun paper and it was good. So I was working hard at that. Then Wednesday night I got an e-mail telling me I was preaching that Sunday. Now I had started to think about what to do but this meant it was kicked into high gear. So yesterday was research and writing the first draft of the manuscript. Tonight will be practicing it like crazy. The other issue is that I am pretty nervous about this. I really do not want to do a crappy job. I want to do a good job at this church. Well here goes nothing.

Valentine's day

2009-02-14T15:41:00.001-08:00

I totally forgot what day it is. This is only a problem in that I made a phone call I would not have made if I knew what day it was. I keep forgetting that if you talk to a woman on this day then your motives are automatically suspect. Oh well. The phone call was a follow up to my last post.

Well today is a day for all you coupled people. Enjoy it. Mean, I am watching TV and will maybe do some homework. I have a great day planned. Cheers all you happy people

A string of broken relationships.

2009-02-08T01:08:00.001-08:00

I was listening to some music tonight and it hit me. That some of the relationships that were closest to me where just a long line of broken relationships. I saw that there is a lot of hurt with the people I wanted to be closest to and I have no clue how to respond to that. In high school I had to misfortune of being rejected at least once by every girl I asked out. Often the reject involved them laughing at me. Even from high school I can no longer talk to my ex. We are by no means on good terms. Which I think if funny in hindsight because she was so important to me at the time. It is an odd thing that someone so close can become so distant.

College was no better. I had friends fall in and out of relationship like it was a fad. I rarely keep in contact from anyone in college. I will call a few people every now and then but I realize that we are not close. They are not living life with me and I am not living life with them. I once spent a winter break IMing a fellow student. That was the high light of my day. Then one day she told me she was not looking for a relationship. And a week later she was dating someone else.

I moved more or less across the country and I hoped things would be different here. But there are still the relationships that hold no significance. Although there are people here I have actually connected to. I am able to live out my struggles with friends and those that would do something crazy for me. I realized today that I have some amazing friends that would do something crazy like drive me to LAX. But even here I struggle with those I want to be closest to me. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I wonder if God made me a little off on purpose or if He is spiting that on purpose. It is something I am struggling with. I desire to be known to something and to know them.

I had a friend tell me recently that my biggest obstacle is me. that is true. My stark terror at approaching someone is pretty laughable. If I am belligerent or angry I have no problem dealing with people. But actually approaching them leaves me self-conscience and insecure. This is where psychological problems and theology are slamming together for me. Because I see that God knows what is going down. I am a firm believer in Psalm 139. I think Psalm 139 sums up a lot of my cosmology right there. I guess I should have no problem then.

I am debating on whether to try to talk to some people and maybe fix a few of these broken relationships. I am wondering If I should and if God will be there trying fix them or if I will be inserting myself into God trying to teach someone something. I guess I am trying to figure out if I push my theology on relationships onto other people. I hesitate doing that because I think people who “know what is right” are generally complete morons and blind to the deficiencies of their views.

Broken relationships are no fun but I look back and see a string of them.

being nice

2009-01-24T20:02:00.000-08:00

Am I a Christian? I have been asking some friends that question recently. Or another way of putting it is “if you did not know I was in seminary would you think I was a Christian?” That also begs the question of what it means to be a Christian. Now I decided not to define Christian because there is no real set definition. Some of the militias in Africa claim to be Christian. And to be honest when I get to heaven I may find out that people who used child soldiers are there too. So if I start declaring who is or is not a Christian then I start to limit God.

But I am still curious to know if others who know me well know that I am a Christian. So far the answer is yes. Yes my friends think I am a Christian. It is nice to know this but it does not mean I can just say I am done. I still need to conform my mind to a better way of thinking. I am seeing that there are a lot of opportunities to be a totally jerk but I actually chose to be nice. Now I think that is informed by my faith. Because I know I can get a much more interesting reaction if I am a jerk.

I also suggest being nice does not get one anything. That even then I find my reaction is to be nice to people it does not earn me friends, accolades or an easier time at anything. Being nice tends to end up being null. I haven’t made any enemies but I did not make any friends either.

But I do not think it is just a matter of being nice but I saying that being a Christian has encouraged me to being nice. I think it is part of learning to love people and such. Now love is the most important thing we get from the Bible. First we have to love God and then we are to love our neighbors and ourselves. It does not matter what I learn in seminary if I do not get the love part down. So I think I am on the right road as a Christian, but I do not think being nice is the lynch pin of that.

star gazing is dangerous

2009-01-19T09:40:00.000-08:00

I have come to realize a couple of things. I expect Christians to live up to the Bible. Now I understand that people read and interpret the Bible in different ways. I have no problem with this. I expect then that people live what they interpret the Bible to mean. The goal is still to live out what they think the Bible is saying. For me I read love out of the Bible. I read Grace out of the Bible. I expect that Love is to be central to a Christian. Paul writes in Corinthians that he could speak in the tongues of men and angels but without love it is meaningless. So love is incredibly important. Jesus threw love at people before condemnation.

Now I was star gazing over the weekend. I was going from Orion’s belt to Sirius. Then up to Procyon. I could more or less see the major constellations but not much else. It got me thinking. I started to realize that there is too much beauty in the universe not to live without following my ideology. I needed to take risks and do things that could end up hurting me because of love. If God can create some kickass stars and let me enjoy them, then I can seek reconciliation.

the Thursday before this a I was talking to a friend about how I could not understand why I was rejected so easily and with such finality. I had given lip service to considering the other side but really I feel onto my side because that was the side I saw most clearly. Now my friend said something I had thought before but I decide to pay more attention to it because obviously my position was going nowhere. He advised me to ask if I had hurt someone. And I figured heck I cannot be ignored any more then I already am so I may as well ask them if I hurt them.

I want to hear if I hurt someone. I want them to tell me to my face that I hurt them. My honor demands nothing less than addressing when I hurt someone. It too this experience and being in California for me to realize what my honor is. My honor is the good I like about me. that I do not oppress people knowingly. That I do not manipulate people for enjoyment. Certain situations demand certain actions and I have no other option. But a lot of people think Americans have no concept of honor. I read in a book about how other cultures have a monopoly have on honor but not the West. But I see now coming from a fairly blue-collar background that honor is so ingrained in me I would have to throw a lot away to abandon it. My honor leads me to live for God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

The point is that I took a risk. I am trying to ask if I hurt someone and I want to hear them tell me how if I did. I trust God to empower me to deal with it as a Christian, with love and grace and seeking forgiveness. I want to live like I read the Bible and follow it. I want to live with Christians who do the same. It will be interesting to see how it works out.
End communication.

New Year

2009-01-08T19:15:00.000-08:00

It has been some crazy times. Being home over winter break was weird. When I got home a lot of people called me and wanted to hang out and such. It was so weird to me. I am not used to people calling me and wanting to hang out. It is the definition of popular for me. Normally people do not call me but instead I normally am the one to call others.

There was also this weird feeling being home. Like I know my parents still love me, but I did not feel the same about their house that I did back in the day. When I got back to school and into my apartment I felt this sense of home. I told this to someone and they mentioned that individuation must have settled in. And I kinda think that must be true. That my place in cali has become home. When I was driving back through the city it had a familiar beauty to it. I never thought I would feel that way about cali.

I am getting my feet back under me right now. Getting back into the swing of school and all the responsibility that brings. I am looking forward to this semester. It should be good and interesting. Weeeee.

I am still dealing with being wrecked last semester. In IL it did not seem so important, but now I am terrified of running into things that remind me of her. Because I do not want to deal with that pain. I feel like I am walking around in an emotional minefield that could go at any moment. That I may run into her and feel all the old crap again. I hate feeling shy and insecure. I hate feeling unworthy and alone. I want to feel apart. That I matter. I have good friends here and I think I would absolutely ruined without them. I guess it is about learning and healing. I wonder if I will ever end up in a healthy relationship. I would like to just be friends with a woman the same way I am friends with everyone. That may sound weird but I do not want to play social games. I do not want to be coy. I want to hang with people who are interesting and teach me. I want to be crack my bad jokes and say my piece. I want my crap to be refuted and I want to be edified by my relationships. I make friends with guys who naturally do this but I find it is incredible rare for a woman to do it. I could be weird or it could be that subcultures I run with. I am just not sure. Well tonight I am going to take it easy

I got a headache. Not sure why, meh.

End communication

today

2008-12-05T18:21:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning with a familiar sensation. Hollow-bitterness. It is a feeling of being alone and empty. That really nothing and no one matters because I don’t matter. Since I do not matter the existence of the world is a mild effrontery to me. But since I don’t matter it is nothing to get terribly worked up about.

It does not mean that I shut down. I still get things done and work towards goals. There is not satisfaction or life in it. I am like a robot completing the task set before it because it does not know what else to do. I type and research and formulate papers because I have no answer. I do not have anything else to do.

The one glimmer of hope or joy is in other people. Talking to them. Sharing in what they are going through. But since I am alone those interactions are few and infrequent. The basis for this is that someone had just affirmed all my fears, and confirmed everything I hate about myself. She called me an illusion. That I did not trust, and was not really honest with her. If I think I am honest but I am not then what do I have? Am I not real? Am I another person? I was told I was not worth knowing. That it would take effort and I must not be worth that effort.

None of this is new. Actually she was repeating what a lot of people have told me over my life. Maybe I am bitter that I have to exist in a world I don’t fit. Maybe I am hollow because I have nothing inside. I often wonder how much of an impact I really have. I wonder if I were to disappear if anyone would really care. I know my family would. But I don’t know if anyone else would.

I would if anyone’s world would come crashing down. I know that would not happen. I know if I were to have a funeral a few people would be sad for a while but they would get by it relatively quickly. I think if I lost a close friend it would devastate me. I do not know how I would go on.

I see that as my weakness. I am too weak. I need to be stronger and not need anyone. If other people can move on without me then why do I have to be the one to need others? I just do not have an answer. I know God loves me, but he can love me anywhere. I am not sure why I have to be here. “Dying is the easy part, its life that is hard.”

dreams and journals

2008-12-01T15:17:00.001-08:00

I have had two dreams. And I am not sure what they are trying to tell me. First I rarely dream. Secondly normally when I dream I completely controls those dreams. The exception is when my mind is trying to process through issues I am going through. Normally a fear is presented or a desire is addressed. But I am not sure what my brain is trying to process.

The first dream is mixes my college and high school. There was a relationship I knew of in college where the guy had a temper. Now in my dream I took a girl I knew in high school and put her in the relationship with the guy. Now I had noticed she had a black eye. And I instinctively knew that he had hit her. So my response was to be very angry and encourage her to get out of that relationship. I did not like her getting abused.

The next dream comes from that wonderful show gossip girl. I was one of the guys and I was torn between two of the female characters. Also there was another guy who wanted one of the girls. What is my mind trying to tell me?
I am not sure what my mind is trying to tell me.

Also I had a real trip last night reading my old journals. I have really not changed that much since High School. I am a little less superstitious but that is about it. I still have the same problems, fears, senses of inadequacy and sins. Weird huh. I also found a little journal that I had kept a bunch of thoughts in. I am going to start posting them in the quotes section of facebook.

The Greatest Con ever part two

2008-11-27T16:29:00.001-08:00

I was watching a movie and the end gave me the inspiration for the title of the two part series. In a way the greatest con ever is that the ego convinces someone that it is who they are. Without going into an explanation of the ego I see this and I am hit by it
Because maybe I am not who I think I am. Maybe I am not everything I have been told.

Whenever there is friction between me and someone else I am ready to blame myself. I am ready to say that it is my fault. I like would rather hold someone else in higher regard then think poorly of them. Which is what happened with this woman. I made excuses that put the blame on me and not on her. I was using what Paul said about thinking of others better then yourself as the reason why I am terrible and she is not.

One of the things I started to identify with Paul is his harsh self image. In Romans he talks about how he is the worst sinner. I see that in myself. I tend to view myself as being the worst sinner just like Paul. I think that we both cannot relate to each other there. While this is not the best exegesis of the test it allows me have a more personal understanding of the Bible.

I really do not have an explanation for how everything fits together. It seems like I will live a very mediocre life. That despite the good things that happen in my life they will be balanced out by some really crappy things. I am lucky that I have for what I do have. Without the support of my family and one or two close friends I really do not know how my life would be right now. It seems like life is ok with some really crappy moments.

I have some solace thinking that things will get better. I will end up doing quite well. I have a weird optimism that seems to think things will turn up aces but I have no proof it will. So the greatest con is thinking all the crap I have been told is really me. I have a future that I control. It is matter of accepting what I cannot change and work on what I can change. And knowing the difference between the two. Then shamelessly ripping off the serenity prayer. Ha.

the greatest con ever part one

2008-11-26T23:53:00.001-08:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently. Thanksgiving is generally a time that lets me know where I am. Thanksgiving is the time to spend with family and loved ones, the people you hold close and share a special connection. For me it reminds how alone I really am. I spend thanksgiving alone. No one invites me to a dinner expect as a pity invitation or the impersonal invitation you give to friendly acquaintances. I am not sure anyone has invited me without knowing I was going to spend it alone at first. Thanksgiving is the time I know no one will care how I spend it or what I will do. And that seems to cap off what I have been thinking about.

In high school my youth pastor said something to me that hit me right to the core. He was explaining to me why he did something and his reasoning behind it was because I was sensitive. That was so revealing to me. It seemed so right. I am sensitive. I am not made of stone but everything hits me full on. I look at society and I see that being sensitive is bad. A man should be tough and ready to fight. A man should not let emotion get to him but be strong. Strength is the key not being sensitive. I am a deviant.

In college I found the word to describe how I acted socially. I was an introvert. I was not good at glad handing and did not like big groups. I am nervous about being rejected by strangers. One of my professors mentioned that in America the extrovert is the ideal and no one wants to admit to being an introvert. I see now that the introvert makes people uncomfortable. They have secrets and no one likes that. Not only was I a deviant because I was sensitive but I was a deviant because I was an introvert.

For good or bad I place a lot of my esteem in how I think others perceive me. I had one friend say how lucky we were that women looked at personality more then looks. I never had a woman tell me I was cute, and here I was being lumped in as being ugly. So it reinforced this concept that I was ugly. I have no confidence in my looks. The story I seemed to get over and over is that I am not attractive. Every time I asked out a woman I got rejected. In high school they literally laughed at me. In college they used God as an excuse. I told someone I was thinking about asking out a certain person and I was told I was intimidating. So now I am ugly and intimidating. Those two concepts made so much sense. They explained why I was so lonely. Why no one liked me and why no one I asked out ever said yes.

So I have this terrible self image of myself. I have no confidence to walk up to someone and start a conversation. So when I do talk to someone I am awkward and that makes the whole experience uncomfortable, which feeds back into all the harsh things I believe about myself. So I am in an ever deepening well.

I would like to say that being a Christian fixes everything. That because I have Jesus I do not feel bad that no one likes me. That I get all the love I need from God. But a cold look at my heart reveals this to be untrue. So I say I am unfaithful. I do not love God enough. I am not a good enough Christian. Now I am ugly, intimidating, and not a good enough Christian.

Recently an experience has destroyed any contentment I had at Fuller. I was ok with being me and I was happy here. But now I am so twisted up inside. I let a woman in too close. Because I was sensitive I had no barriers or protection. I had nothing to guard myself with. She asked me if the words I spoke were my own or someone else’s. They were my own. But the doubt that came from that forced me to check everything I said. Were they my own? Was I merely an amalgam of other’s wisdom? I think they are my own but who can really say.

We had a bit of an age difference. But I did not really think that mattered. If we were in different places of life and therefore incompatible than it would be apparent. But if we were compatible then the age difference would mean nothing. But everything I did and said was evaluated based on whether it was mature or not. Was I “grown up” enough or was I merely a child playing at being an adult. I had to watch everything I did in a new light. I was so unsure of what I was doing and saying.

For a while it was weird between us. She was not sure she wanted a relationship and she had a lot to think about. I keep thinking over and over in my head how I was being perceived. Were my physical looks going to hurt me? Was my awkwardness going to drive her away? Was I too young? Was I too weird? What would she think of my apparent defects? Is this the sign I am really unlovable? And it did come crumbling down. One evening I had these expectations with her. And instead I was thrown into a new situation I was ill prepared for. I was awkward, introverted, and I knew any good view of me she had was destroyed.

The next day I got a call for a conversation. She confirmed my fears. I am unlovable and she did not want to deal with that. It was too much for me. Too much to process and to try to understand. I just left. I was hurt and angry. I had no response. I let her in so close to let her see me and I wanted to know her. But it was a brutal experience. The person I let me see me ended up rejecting me.

My greatest fear in life is to be rejected. To come up short and be told I am unworthy. Honestly it really seems like I am rejected. I am spending Thanksgiving alone in traditional Matt fashion. Tomorrow I will watch TV. Looking for some solace in media. There is a lot more for me to say. Maybe I will. But that will be for tomorrow.

Security.

2008-11-06T21:48:00.001-08:00

It is really a wonderful thing. It lets us know everything is going to be alright. We do not need to worry about anything. One area that I need security is relationships. I once knew a woman in college who wrote me letters over the summer. I thought we were getting to know each other and then she called me one day. She started to talk about how she met a guy from Scotland and they were dating and she was sorry. I had no clue how to react. I had no intentions toward her and an apology sounds like she thought there were intentions. I saw that our relationship was being misinterpreted and I did not know why. I saw that I could not trust her.

I could not trust her in the sense that I could not anticipate what she was going to do or think. I need to be able to understand how someone is going to react to be friends with them. I do not need to know every aspect of their life, but I need to know generally how they are going to respond to a situation. Since she fell outside of this realm I was scared off. I have had enough relationships that were crappy because I did not have a sense of the person. I am not closed from meeting someone new but I want to know what a person is like before I let them in close. I am incredible throw off by being around someone and not knowing where I stand. It lets my imagination take over and start to come up with fantastic ideas. These ideas have no basis in reality but then again I am not sure what to expect.

So without expectations I have no security. Any crazy idea could be possible good or bad. Sometimes it is easier to believe crappy possibilities because they seem more real. I am not sure what to do without security but in the end we have ultimate security with God. We will never know God well enough to anticipate Him. We will have security in knowing He loves us and He will never abandon us. So if you want real security then trust in God. Anything else will probably fail you pretty big.

easy money

2008-10-22T23:27:00.001-07:00

I was perusing that wonder gift of the internet and I saw something incredible. On hulu there is a show called Easy Money. This is a show about those people that give pay day loans to people that re unfair and take advantage of people. We know these are bad people and they do bad things. Their avarice is apparent and their morals are nonexistent. But the thing that hit me was the portrayal of Christians. One of the characters is a part of a contemporary worship choir at her church. So in the show they are blasting a Christian song as background music. I am a little saddened by this. This means that that holder of the rights of this song let this happen. They did not check into what their song will be used for. So Christianity and worship are not really flattered here. Secondly there is a hint that the pastor is carrying on a relationship with the character in an inappropriate way. Winks generally have the connotation of something underneath and conspiracy. So Christians are portray as no better or different than anyone else. I guess I should not be surprised by this but I am. I do not like the idea that Christian would fit so seamlessly into a show about loan sharks. That instead of being the opposite of the loan sharks they are in cahoots with the loan sharks. I am not sure what the response is but it tells me that I need to be different.

I am not dead

2008-10-18T17:55:00.000-07:00

There is so much to write about I am not sure what to write about. So recently I have been given a mortal insult. If we still had code duello I would have to consider it. Personally everything that I am comes from personal piety. My faith is my source. That God is the most real and from that I do everything. My views of theology and philosophy are based on God. My views how what to eat and how to act are from god. If anything about me is nice then that is because God is so cool. If anything about me is crappy then that is because I did not let god in and I choose sin over God. So this guy mocked that. He scoffed at that idea that personal piety was important. That is about as bad as it gets to insult me. If you deny and mock the thing that I hold most dear then I have a problem with that. One cannot insult what a person holds most dear and then expect things to be good.

Also another negative note I am finding I do not like conferences. Christian conferences are not designed for introverts. They do not give the introvert time to relax and process what is being said. They just start to rush a person around. From the time I get up to until 8:30 they have me rushing somewhere doing something. Spiritual health does not come from business. One does not get closer to God when they are surrounded by voices crying for attention all day. It is driving me insane. I have started to skip things in an effort to get back under control. I have been trying to get as much sleep and reading for fun as possible. I am trying to relax and find some way to connect back to God despite all the noise. It is tough. I guess this reinforces my need for quiet in God and rest in him. Never let something suck your soul, but find time for God and chill in Him.

BLAMO

2008-10-05T21:42:00.001-07:00

The only conversation I have had for the past three days was over the phone. This may seem innocuous but really this is vexing. I am not an extrovert by any means. I do not even like groups of two. But I do need to talk so someone. It helps me process and sort out my thoughts. It allows me to hear feedback from someone else. if I think something up without input from somewhere else I only get caught up in thinking how right I am. When I think along my line of reasoning and I end up believing line of reasoning is perfect. It helps to hear from others.

So the only conversation I had was with a friend in Oregon. He was nice enough to let me blather on but it is disconcerting to keep talking and realizing how much I needed to get out. In college I had a good friend I was able to talk to. Here there are a few people to talk to but most of them have more pressing relationships they need to deal with. I am not about come between a marriage.

If anything this highlights the need of community in faith. We all need to talk to people about important things. We need to talk to people about God. We also need to talk to
God. None of us can live life alone but with others the journey is so much cooler.

do not go it alone

2008-09-29T21:01:00.001-07:00

I have a few rules I do not break. I don’t go out to movies or eateries by myself. You have to go with someone else not alone. I just feel creepy and weird. I think the same is true with religion. I can’t do it alone. I make mistakes and do not get the joy of talking and learning from others. This is important because I wanted to go out to watch the Steelers play today. But I didn’t have anyone to go with. So like with eating and movies you need to practice religion with friends.

Dodgers game

2008-09-25T11:15:00.001-07:00

I did something I have not done in years. I went to a Dodgers game. I learned something. I like true fans. Behind me sat a guy and his lady friend who loved the game. He gave the loudest cheers and boos and she knew everyone’s name and stats. It was amazing. They got so excited for every hit and every base run. It made the game more fun for me.

I do not really know much about baseball. I am not really a fan. I am a pirates fan and they suck. So I do not care. But seeing fans who love their team make me enjoy it more. I like can take part in that joy. So it got me thinking about church. Because everything goes back to faith. I wonder what it is like if Christians were like that. Not pushing their faith on others but really excited. What if they are cheering the Bible, not to force it on others, but to take joy in it. That is the faith I want. I want rave about the Bible like a sporting event. Like it is the greatest thing ever. Maybe that is the attitude to have concerning faith. To cheer it and be excited about it. Maybe that is what attracts people to it.

Also Jon Vales is a cool guy for inviting me to go with him to the Dodgers game.

my singleness

2008-09-17T09:18:00.001-07:00

Why I have resigned myself to being single.
Because I do not think I can be friends with single women. It is not a matter of sexist but in how I view friendship. I view friends as people I get to know. I tell them what is happing in my life. They tell me what they are up to. Sometimes we share intimate information. We hangout together. Now an important thing is that I hate hanging out in groups of people. Even if it is a group of my friends I do not like it. I like meeting people one-on-one. That is the rub. It has been my experience that single women freak out if a guy wants to hang out with them alone. It turns into this big deal about dating and sexual tension. Nuts to that. I will never get to know someone hanging out in a group and no one will get to know me in group. That is not how I socialize. Also single women tend to freak out if you share anything personal with them. That is with the caveat of being within the realm of my experience.

So I do not put much trust in “being friends first.” because we will never really be friends because I don’t play social games with dating. I don’t get a group together for the purpose of hanging out with one specific woman. I don’t intend to either. Also I guess I am a bit intense because I want to get to know a woman and find out what is happening in her life. I could care less about superficial interactions. I want to know what is going on. I guess that is too much for some.

Now I can be friend with women who are dating or married. They know I am not trying anything so they don’t freak out. They don’t assume I have hidden motives. I really don’t have hidden motives. I am incapable of guile or cunning. I let people know what is happening pretty much all the time. And that is why I will probably remain single forever.

I have no problem with this. I am not upset about it. It is just on observation I have made. I won't have to worry about a marriage giving me responsibilities that are not about God so that is cool. Paul had it right when he extolled the benefits of singleness.

When did I become Pastoral?

2008-09-17T09:02:00.000-07:00

When did I become pastoral? I mean that in the way of ‘when did I turn into someone people who open up to and then try to offer comforting wisdom?’ It started with a conversation with a friend who needed to hear a testimony. He just needed to hear about God working in the life of others. I was happy to oblige because I had run smack into God recently. Then I was talking to another friend and he was worried over some family. So I listened. I offered some comments and then did not upset him so that was good. Then a youth explained to me some problems she was having with her sister. I was dumbfounded as to how to respond but I listened. I said what I could. Last night I was talking to a friend from high school I haven’t spoken to since high school and she needed to talk. So I did the whole listening thing with offering a few comments.

It sticks me as terribly weird. I never thought I would be in this role really. I know that I am going to be a pastor but this is still weird. I mean I just don’t know why anyone would confide in my at all. I don’t think I have some special skill at listening. I came to the conclusion that people are more happy to know me then they are unhappy to know me. It is very confusing. Because I still remember quite clearly that a number of people dislike me. I don’t know when I got into this position. Apparently I am approachable but not much beyond that. I don’t know.

God suffers with us

2008-09-08T20:54:00.000-07:00

I have learned that I need to believe a few things about God or I would be unable to worship Him. One of them is that God must suffer with us. I would not like a God that removed himself from our pain. I would not be able to love a God that could be uncaring. But I do think God suffers with us.

I was talking to a friend and he had some serious things weighing on him. I need to know that God was just as concerned as my friend. I can be empathic towards my friend, but God is feeling everything with my friend. I know that my friend is not alone and has God. I know that I am not alone when I suffer. I do need to remember that God is with me sometimes.

I think we are a little too quick to compare suffering. That if you do not great some arbitrary mark you should not feel bad. But I find suffering to be so subjective. I don’t think we can honestly disregard someone’s suffering because it is not “severe” enough. So God is in our subjective suffering feeling the pain we go through.

Now I also think that when faced with the suffering of others we can recognize that their suffering may be bigger and that humbles us. I do not think it is something we can force onto someone but it is within that we learn to hold the suffering of someone else in higher esteem.

God is pretty cool

2008-09-05T21:41:00.000-07:00

I cannot ignore God. Things happen in my life and I realize that there most be a divine hand involved. The funny thing is that I generally dislike it when people blame God for everything. You meet a woman and fall in love, which is not necessarily God in my opinion. I do not think that God picks who you date or marry or decides who you hang out with. But I do think God takes advantage of situations and uses them for His purposes. I was in a class taught by an Anglican and my love for the Bible was reawakened. I started to love the Bible like I did back in high school. I do not think God forced me to take that class but I do think God take advantage of the professor to speak to my heart. So there God is inviting me back to loving him.

Then there is God bringing me back to ministry. I had a rough experience in ministry earlier. It shook my desires a bit. I am home for vacation and my home church wanted me to work while I was home. I would only be there five weeks and they felt it was worth the investment. That actually felt like some high praise to me. That even a couple of weeks would be good for them. God has taken advantage of this situation to tell me that I am still called to ministry despite my rough experience. I know that God still wants me to preach others the good news.

Some could say I am reading into situations. I may be doing just that, but I think it is alright because anything that glorifies God is alright.

Coldplay is horrible

2008-06-16T23:49:00.000-07:00

As the title mentions Coldplay is awful. Their songs all sound the same. They are like the Red Hot Chili Peppers in that regard. They have a pride and arrogance that is rooted in a desire to be bigger then the Beatles. Funny thing is that only the Beatles are going to be that big. ever. Every christian school I go to I find people clinging to Coldplay and extolling their glories. If these Christians were half as evangelical with God as they are with Coldplay then there would be more Christians. In conclusion if you like Coldplay then you are wrong. Jesus and the Beatles are way cooler.

I am back and culture.

2008-04-15T12:01:00.000-07:00

I finally have some time. I was working at a church for a while but 4 months in I started getting some weird messages. Like you need to have a youth night, you should have started one a while ago. But no one ever told me that four months ago. Then I was told the hours I work on Sunday do not count as the hours I work for church. Sunday is the big day for pastors so that is silly. Some more bad stuff happened and I resigned. Then they called me selfish.

Now I have all sorts of free time. So that means posting some more:

Engaging culture is essential for ministry. If you read Stanley Hauerwas you may find that the church as been trying to accommodate to culture for a long time. I agree that the whole trying to synthesize rational philosophy, Christianity, and natural science is trying to accommodate modernist ideas and the issue that Christianity was very connected to the state. But I do not think there is Christianity without culture. Jesus would have started something totally new instead of being a good Jew. So /Jesus used the context and culture of his time to share his message.

As Christians we need to engage both faith and culture in a radical way. Christianity cannot kowtow to control but neither can culture be rejected out of hand. The church needs to address what people are concerned with and then share with them in those concerns. The church has a social justice role but is not the sole mover of social justice. The Church has a role of helping to guide the spiritually of people towards God. Without engaging culture the church cannot minister to people but instead stands off speaking its own language. If one visits a Christian college they see this “Christian Culture” at its finest unable to communicate to non-Christians without arrogance and pride. This is not something that there is an easy answer but it seems that the first step may be listening and approaching people in humility.

busy

2008-01-19T07:52:00.000-08:00

Ugh work has me really busy right now. So here is a quickie.

Discipleship is just as important as outreach. It does not matter if you bring a lot of people into a church if there is no growth. When picking volunteers for youth ministry one chooses spiritually mature adults. Now if everyone in the church is new and not mature then there is no one who should be asked to volunteer. Disciple starts the life-changing experience that lead to someone impacting their world for God. Discipleship gives youth a foundation for them to live by and continue to grow no matter where they go. Discipleship and outreach are a combination that we should live by and not just think about getting more people into chruches.

(This is in response to some meetings going on at work)

Theological Youth Ministry

2008-01-10T15:28:00.000-08:00

Something about youth ministry that is not very good or interesting is the lack of depth to it. Instead it is about playing games and getting kids into the church. Yeah it is good the kids are in church but what comes next is weak. They just do what any P.E. course does. PE sometimes does it better too. Youth need to be challenged more.

One way to challenge youth more is to actually teach them theology and the bible. One tells youth about sin. Not just a simple message of sin is bad and don’t do it, but sin separates people from God and leads to death. Then teach the youth about the sacrifice Jesus made for humanity. Youth are able to handle some theology. A High school student may be intrigued by the immanence of God and the Transcendce of god. What happens is a youth can start to use the mental capabilities they use at school on their religion.

Youth do not need to be coddled. They are not stupid. School work generally gets more complicated as time progresses. Youth need to be challenge to something deeper then they are experiencing now. Sometimes Christianity is made to easy for the youth. It is something that is just handed to them. Why keep Christianity so safe? They go to college and they face a world of hedonistic pleasure without a secure base. Where in youth ministry do with talk about the spiritual and theological ramifications of drinking? Where do we talk about the psychological and theological meanings of sex before marriage. Instead we just say that it is wrong. Youth go to college and find out that drinking can be a very enjoyable social experience. Some may have sex and then find out it feels good. That they do not feel bad for having sex outside of marriage. Then what they were told in their youth ministries is partly invalidating. These students have been left out without a solid reasoning and foundation. As a ministry there needs to be thoughts and reasons behind the lessons instead of a mentality that promotes legal rules based on authoritarian traditions.

This does not mean we use abstract reasoning with middles school students but instead that youth ministry combines the benefits and positive elements of theology and then combine that with street level ministry. There can be a new movement towards helping youth become lifelong Christians that will influence the communities they live in.

Politics and Religion

2008-01-02T16:07:00.001-08:00

In California there was a speaker at a church that preached against war. Since the current administration brought war it is in essence a sermon against this administration. This brought the IRS to investigate this church and the church almost lost its tax-exempt status. The IRS ended that investigation basically saying that the church was guilty of being political but the IRS was not going to punish them for it.

I find this incredible because Christianity has always been very political. Jesus treated woman as humans having rights and certain expectations of dignity. This is incredible to the old standard that women had been treated at the time. Jesus was being very political. When Jesus was talking about turning the other cheek it was not a message of sub service but a message of equity. Depending on how you hit someone determined whether you were hitting them as an equality or with an attitude of superiority. Turning the other cheek meant a person was forcing the other to treat them as an equality. Equality and justice have always been very political.

Martin Luther King Jr. is a very political figure but he was also a religious leader. A Christian whose beliefs lead him to fight for political change and equality. The original Martin Luther was a religious leader who became a political leader leading to the creation of the protestant churches. Martin Luther broke the Catholic Churches hold of European politics that lead to the Catholic Church returning to more orthodox beliefs and practices. Christian churches are hotbeds for change and progression.

Christianity’s tradition of political involvement is not something that can be turned off. The Bible demands people not sin and then act as God would want them to act. They are not to take advantage of others, be violent, allow evil to continue. A Christian who honestly pursues God finds that they become political trying to align what the Bible says with how they are supposed to live. Christians are supposed to defend the voiceless and not help the oppressor.

The laws that are supposed to prevent churches from being political are anathema to what the church does. The church is intrinsically political and only when the gospel is watered down to nothing does the church stop being political. Churches do need to stand up and continue with their political tradition instead of kowtowing to political wishes.

As an aside the republican party is not anymore Christian then the democratic party. They both are self serving without many politicians honestly living the religions they proclaim.

A Prevenient God

2007-12-19T08:20:00.001-08:00

One thing that has always bothered me was the “doctrine of the elect.” In a rough summary it means that God chooses who is saved and who is not. The reason I have a problem with this is that means God rejects people. I never felt comfortable with the idea that God rejects people. I always felt God was a wellspring of grace that was beyond human comprehension. I always felt that with this kind of logic God becomes exclusive. That God is only reachable by a certain group of people. My theological leanings lead me to think that the only exclusivity with God lies in the fact that Jesus is that only way to know God. This in turn is really the choice of a person. That one chooses God and not God choosing one person over another.

I was reading A. W. Tozer and he stated some things that made sense and where interesting. He stated that God put in us the desire to pursue God. I can understand this because humans have an penchant for spiritually. This explains why there are so many religions. A desire for spiritually is part of human nature. This then means that God is that one who can take credit for salvation because He was the one who created that desire to pursue spiritually matters. But also on a practical level it is man who has to work to pursue God. One cannot just accept God and be done, but must engage in action towards God.

So God is the starting point. Everything comes from God. Yet human reactions are important. God does the hard part and there is a call for humans to react and respond. It is not the same as letting God do all the work and it is not Humans doing most of the work. So I find God has put it in me and God desires a response from me. Really God has done all the hard work and I am just participating in God’s creation.

First Post is About TeeVee

2007-12-15T18:51:00.001-08:00

I guess every now and then TV has to get the negative post about it. I realize That there are times when I just watch too much TV when I have better things to be doing, particularly reading. I am at home right now where my library is and I have the chance to do all of this reading but instead I am spending my night watching TV. How disappointing. Sometimes I find watching it to be a nice way to veg-out and enjoy media. But really I just need to watch it less. At least when I am on the internet I could make the claim that I am probably reading something. I guess this goes to show I should not get cable. I would watch it all the time or something. I have heard a lot of messages about TV. That because I have grown up with TV I have witnessed so many murders and I have lost so many hours to TV. I realize that TV is not always that interesting or well written. I think this break I am going to take advantage of my books more and do some reading. It will be nice to have quiet.

I am starting to think that sometimes TV can be a little to captivating. That Life is not meant to be lived watching something. That I can produce things instead of watching items already produced. The reason I bring this up is that I was not able to think about anything to write until I turned off the TV. I was engaged and stopped to simply view something. I turned it off and then I was able to start writing. My mind was engaged and my creative juices were flowing. It is nice to simply write and get something out. I used to want to write more and this is my opportunity to get more out.

It is great to create. And with a reduction in TV viewing I hope to create some more here. To be stretched and become a little more useful to God.